Funeral
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly…
She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied… You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. ‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’
‘So I just switched the heads.’
Smart Kid
My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me: “Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?”
“Erm, I don’t know” I replied
“Mickey Mouse” he replied laughing
“Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs”
“Donald Duck” I replied
“No, all ducks you idiot”
This one is heavy
What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
James Bond
What does 007’s doorbell sounds like?
Dong. Ding Dong
Lost Wives
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, ‘Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.’
The second old guy says, ‘That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’
The first old guy says, ‘Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?’
The second old guy says, ‘Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?’
To which the first old guy says, ‘Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.’
Shopping
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, “You must be single.” The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”
The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”
